He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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