Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
