Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
