Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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