Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
