I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
