first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
