i wish peter jackson would direct porn
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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