he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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