I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
