Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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