no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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