@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
