My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
