My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
