she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
