Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
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