you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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