you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
