mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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