You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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