Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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