Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
