I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
a search helicopter?!
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
