My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize