I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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