I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize