Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
