What a fucking waste of an outfit
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
