i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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