I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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