It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
