the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize