So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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