remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
