I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
