i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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