she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
