Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
