I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
