He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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