Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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