Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize
