I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
