I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
she pinky promised me she was 18
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
