i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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