when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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