Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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