I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
