Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
