You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
