I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
