shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
