If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
she peed on how many people?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
