I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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