We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
