I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
