guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize