Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize