Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
