Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
